Monday 10 November 2014

What would you like to drink?

After reading Lucy Rock's article in The Observer magazine yesterday, I took a moment to reflect on how I started down this path. I wanted to remember how hard it was in the very beginning and truly appreciate how far away from that point I am at present. This is the introduction to Sober is the New Black (SITNB)


‘What would you like to drink?’

The question hangs innocently in the air. What would I like to drink? Around me I can see cocktails being mixed at the bar, I can hear the glug glug of wine being poured at the next table and I watch someone take that first refreshing sip of beer.
I want wine. I want lots of wine. I want it quickly and I want it now while my stomach is empty and it will rapidly reach my bloodstream, quickly course to my brain and fulfill the ever-present need.
Yes, I want wine. I want wine very much, yet at the same time, I don’t. Should I or shouldn’t I? I want what I cannot have, yet here I am, all grown up, surely I can do as I please?  I am torn between the options, exhausted by the mental gymnastics going on inside my head. This small decision of huge magnitude is the first crossroads at the beginning of my journey into the unknown. From today I am adopting an alcohol-free life. I am unsure if I can succeed, but know that failure is not an option.

How can it be so hard not to do something? Just don’t do it. It should not be difficult. But it is. So, so difficult. Can I make the short term sacrifice of what I want right now, for what I want most of all? Can I bear the immediate hardship in the hope of a longer term gain? It should be a simple decision but making the correct choice is so hard. 

 It is 6pm and I am sitting on a beautiful terrace watching the sun set. I am on holiday. I arrived this afternoon at a luxurious all inclusive hotel in the sun. It was an early start and now I am tired and need to sleep but I am also hungry and must eat first. The restaurant opens at 7pm. There was an hour to wait when the waiter asked that simple question. 
Today was to be my new start. My 48 hour hangover from the last boozy episode had receded and I felt better. I’d learnt from my mistakes and my many failed attempts at moderation. My hangover mindset had changed from never wanting to drink again to realising that I could not, must not drink again. I had come to the conclusion that becoming completely alcohol-free was the only option for me in the long term. But. I could just have one tonight. In fact, I could just drink tonight then start stopping again tomorrow. Or start stopping after the holiday. What difference would an extra two weeks make? Or would it be  easier to stop once back to the routine of work and the hum drum of daily life? Probably not. 
In the days prior to this holiday I had felt anxious about the lack of control I would have over my drinking in a resort with plentiful, all inclusive bars: all normal restraints absent, no driving, no work, no pub closing time. I was acutely worried that the bar service would be slow, the drinks would be small and inadequate and I’d feel embarrassed to keep asking for another. I didn’t want a hangover in the baking heat the following day yet I wanted an alcoholic drink now. The two were mutually exclusive and I felt panicked by my lack of conviction. 

This time was supposed to be different and failure was not an option. This time was supposed to be It, yet here I was hesitating at the first hurdle. Twice previously I had ended my attempts at abstinence when the first hurdle presented itself. A social function, a night out, a birthday, a Friday, whatever. These events were part of life yet seemed like impassable barriers, completely blocking the path and bringing each journey to an end. I know that to succeed I must negotiate a way around these obstacles. I could not afford to fail at the first one. Where would I end up? How much worse would life get? What would it eventually take to make me stop, if not this time?

14 comments :

  1. I read your book recently and loved it. I can totally relate. Reading the above makes me want to read it AGAIN!

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    1. Spooky! I found your blog last night and bookmarked it. I hear what you say. Stick around. Rx

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  2. Rachel Black read my blog? I think I'm going to blog about that...ha ha!

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  3. I read your book in one day. Yesterday. Today I am reading it again. The situation you describe is so like mine that I want to weep. When you decided to stop, what did you tell your OH?

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    1. I didn't at first as I thought I would fail again and I wAs embarrassed how difficult I was finding it. When I first said I'd stopped he was sarcastic 'yeh, since when?' And I just kept saying how well I felt ( true) and how little I missed it ( false) so no point in going back. Eventually I believed it too. I was lucky as he drinks only occasionally and very moderately. Hope this helps. You can email if you like. Rx

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  4. It does help, thanks. Mine, too, is a moderate drinker. I've told him all about my previous ambitious plans to reduce, only to fail within a short time. I worry that his respect for me dwindles with each screw up.

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    1. Why don't you try this time in secret? Use a load of temporary excuses as needed like have a headache, pre Christmas detox/ health kick, saving money etc?

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  5. I think I will. Thanks for your advice. x

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    1. No problem. If you have a minute you might want to consider putting a book review on amazon for me...

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  6. Hi Rachel,
    All of this seems very familiar to me as the other half of an otherwise very successful and fantastic woman who has an increasing drinking problem. We have discussed it, but mostly she shuts it down when I raise it saying i'm trying to control her. I guess maybe I am - but I'm completely desperate for her to stop drinking as it is ruining both of our lives. She has agreed to go and get help before after particularly bad episodes- but didn't know where to look for it. Then later she inevitably shuts down and says that there is no problem anyway and that it is all in my head. Several of her friends have hinted at it with me, but I feel disloyal discussing it with them so have avoided the subject. Is there anything I can do - or does it just have to come from her?

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    1. hi, replied earlier from my phone. May not have come through? I feel for you in the situation you describe. If you would prefer me to respond in private then email me on soberisthenewrachelblack@gmail.com

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    2. I guess it's normal for her to put up the defences when you broach the subject. She clearly knows it is a problem. Speaking only from my experience, not until I chose to give up could I have done it. If nagged I would have gone in a huff and drank even more!
      You will find lots of advice and support at Al-anon which is for families of those with alcohol problems. Best wishes. Please keep in touch.

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