When you've been sober long enough for years to pass, it becomes difficult to tease apart all the threads responsible for the on-going changes still noted. What is down to becoming older and wiser and what role is played by being sober all the time. I often wonder if I attribute too much to purely the absence of alcohol in my life.
Recently there was one such day where I attended Something New with People I Didn't Know Very Well. I have great expectations but was let down, finding the episode damped and disappointing.
It was a charity fundraising do. A ladies' afternoon tea with shopping, auctions, raffles and other fun entertainment. I'd never been to one before and was looking forward to it on many levels: a new experience, an afternoon of cakes and scones, a little boutique stall shopping, people watching and getting to know my newest friends a little better.
But it fell below expectations on most of these counts: I spent much of the afternoon feeling detached and a bit peripheral throughout the proceedings. Of course I enjoyed looking at 400 different outfits, hair styles and make up and I did chat to my neighbours at the table, but it was superficial, polite and non consequential. I wasn't next to either of the girls I knew best (who had invited me) and felt a bit lost. This, despite usually being able to talk about anything to most people. I didn't really feel inspired to make continual effort. Previously I may have written it off, given up and got stuck into the bar but this time I drank a lot of tea, ate some mediocre scones and cake, took part in the raffles, auctions and games but overall I felt the afternoon was overly loud, forced and exhausting. I was glad to make my excuses and leave at the first interlude that it did not appear too rude to do so.
I sighed as I returned to my car and returned home, not quite sure why I hadn't enjoyed myself more.
I reminded myself that booze would not have made the event any better, and I would still be paying for it the next day. Onwards.