Saturday 14 June 2014

Malcontent

Malcontent is not a french word. I looked it up in the dictionary and it describes me to a tee today.
It means:
-a discontented person
-one who bears a grudge from a sense of grievance or thwarted ambition
-one who is in active opposition to an established order
-a rebel
I thought I had this alcohol thing kicked in to touch. For the last few months I've not given it too much thought. Rather than be defined as a none drinker, it just so happens that I, don't drink and it's not felt like a big deal.
However, in the last few days I've an overwhelming urge to get drunk. To have a glass or two of wine in full knowledge of what will follow. I have wanted to be drunk.
This has made me feel discontent and the fact that I feel that way about alcohol still, annoys me even more. As I've become more and more annoyed I've wanted more and more to get drunk, become oblivious , just forget about it all for a little while. Almost agreeing (with myself) that I would purposefully do this and then give up again.
I don't know what brought it on. I am busy just now with several balls in the air (aren't we all though?). The other night we were speaking about our retirement and that we'd spend 2-3 months at a time in Spain. I thought, yes, it would be nice to start drinking again then- there would be nothing to stop me.
Nice? Nice? What? Why? Now?
Why do I still think this would be a good thing to do? Is it that life would be relaxed and wound down and I could afford what, time?, to go around in a hazy state? I feel like a leopard who has not managed to change her spots.
Despite this, I won't drink just now. I'm too stubborn, but this itself leaves me feeling even more irritated that this is, and remains after 15 months, such a big deal.
(I don't moan much on the blog so forgive me this once) x

4 comments :

  1. I think quite a few people have these type of thoughts after a while. Things can get a bit stale in recovery and people become complacent. If I get these thoughts I try to see what is behind them, there is normally something that I wish to avoid. Once I can see what is going on I can do something about it. The more practice I have the less likely I am to do something stupid on impulse! Over time I have found many things that make me feel better than drink. Sometimes we have to do a bit of work and take a step back to see what is going on. I have recently looked at the UK Smart recovery handbook and this has lots of different good ideas to help people do this.

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  2. Thanks LL52. Glad I'm not alone. Will check out Smart recovery- good tip.

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  3. I'm devouring your book to give me the drive to kick drinking. I've been so impressed I'm almost there ... But I DID give up drinking once for two years, 2005 - 2007. But when DH and I booked a gites in the south of France the temptation loomed Big Time. What the hell? We said (we'd quit together), just for this one week ... and here I am, 2014 trying to pick up where I left off in 2007. To think I could have been nearly ten years sober but for that one week of wine.... so you know where to put those naughty thoughts! love Cherry

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    1. HI Cherry, thanks for sharing that, I do wonder if I could just get off the wagon for a few days or a holiday and then get back on again as though nothing has happened. I could see it taking me 7 years too: I remember and maintain that the hardest time was day zero to day1. Rx

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Go on, spill.

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