The Tide is Trying to Turn

I feel as if all of a sudden I'm swimming against the tide: struggling to stay afloat. 

I've retreated to my blog ( via my phone and GPRS!) in an attempt to remind myself of all things sober. 

We've come away for half term weekend. I'm away from the internet and all my connections with my sober bloggy pals ( as I call them). I'm away from the motivating messages popping up on twitter and Facebook and away from hearing others' stories of success or difficulty. And this was all fine until a couple of hours ago.

While waiting for my family, I flicked through a magazine in a shop, as you do, with no intention to buy it. I caught a headline about Zoe Ball ( a well known DJ and television presenter) and the Strictly tour. Apparently, after the show each night a fair bit of boozing goes on and these late nights were why Zoe looked so tired. 

I was puzzled, remembering that Zoe, once a wild partying ladette, had given up alcohol etc to live a clean life as had her husband Norman AKA FatBoySlim ( another famous DJ, not sure if he's known across the Atlantic though?)

I read on...

I paraphrase a quote from Zoe that she was tee total for 4 1/2 years to fully support her husband giving up alcohol but is now off the wagon again and enjoying a drink on a night out every month or so. Still she regrets drinking the next day and that feeling reminds her of her precious hangovers and confirms her resolve that it must be allowed to get out of hand. 

I continued to think about this all the at back. Has she done it? Gone back to drinking and been able to moderate? Or is it just a matter of time before she slips down the same slope? Either way, it made me really, really, want a glass of wine tonight. 

And it didn't go away. At the house I prepared dinner which was a very simple in-the-oven-and-wait effort. I sat for the 30 minute wait, thinking this is the perfect time to have a glass of wine. Despite my lite ginger ale, my discontent and misery face was back. I felt deprived. 

Now, after dinner, I still feel deprived. I know tonight will pass as I sit with my discomfiture but I'm wondering how many nights like this I'll spend just waiting for the time to pass. Waiting for the feeling of wanting to go away so I can get back to embracing the joyful world of sobriety and having the feelings of hope and reassurance return instead. I want sober to be better. I want to believe it. 

I won't drink tonight but I'm surprised, approaching my 2 year soberversary, that I suddenly find myself in such a state of woe from such slight triggers. Just goes to show sobriety cannot be taken for granted and no matter how confident we are, we cannot say with certainty that we've got it licked. 

Zoe Ball never made a publicity event out of going sober. It just became the way she now lived. I'm going to follow what happens with great interest, and perhaps a little envy. 

I hope you are all feeling a little cheerier than me this Saturday night. Til next time. X