Wednesday 15 April 2015

Thoughts Thoughts and more Thoughts



Posting from my sun lounger to share my thoughts, and boy, do I have a lot of them. 
I am reading Caroline Knapp's book, Drinking. A love Story. I bought it a long time ago but needed a break from sober books. Plus, it never actually appealed to me despite its rave reviews. 

But I am blown away. 

I am so sad she is no longer alive because I feel compelled to write to her shouting 'YES, ME TOO! I GET IT AND I GET YOU'. Since she's not here I'm pouring it out to you instead. 

A 'journey of self discovery' is a much better way of portraying what I feel is often self indulgent, over analysing of oneself. I, for sure, am guilty of this. Perhaps perversely I enjoy reading about someone else having the same degree of self scrutiny, puzzlement and theories as they try to sort themselves out and live as normal people do. 

What I have learnt most profoundly, is that I am an addict. 

Whether to alcohol, food, sugar, cigarettes or a myriad of other pleasure giving (and taking) substances and behaviours that I have not yet tried, merely giving them up is not the solution. As Caroline says, this is merely 'Same dance, different shoes'. 
Instead, something is needed to fill the void of neediness within me. Something is missing and I've tried for many years to plug it one way or another, a true serial addict. 

Through fear of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, I'm going to search for the cause of that space. 

What is it that is missing?
What am I trying to replace?

Another blogger suggested a book called 'Feeding your demons' which I will check out as a starting point. 

Any experience of this kind of 'stuff' out there please share below. 

Me, I'm off for another sparking water. 

17 comments :

  1. Dear Rachel,
    I understand. I have a intense need to be liked, most of all. My husband who is not an addict, doesn't have this need. He's ok with himself. I never am. I am always in a place of should be, could be, will never be.
    People in AA say its a spiritual need, other people say its a self-acceptance need.
    All I know is, I NEED IT!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I'm glad to know it's not just me. I emailed you direct, don't know if you got it as replied to the blogger comment notification email?

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  2. I get it! (And I also love that book). I don't have the answer but I can give you my thoughts. These are coming from my perspective which is made up of me the alcoholic on my own journey, me the therapist who knows the textbook
    Answers, and me the AA'er who is learning her way through that program. So, for what it's worth, here it goes....

    Start with your old tapes. Were there any traumas (big or small) growing up that shaped your negative self concept? When was the first time you remember feeling scared, hurt, rejected, unsafe, anxious. What are your biggest emotional triggers for drinking? If you could wake up tomorrow and your self-concept was miraculously healed, how would you know, how would you view yourself differently? Who is someone you admire (think they have what you want) and why? When are you the happiest? Most alone? What are you really really good at? What do you love most about yourself? Take a close look at your cycle of shame and harbored resentments.

    I am not even close to figuring a lot of this out, but I get closer with every time I spend time in introspection and reflection. So, while I've not figured it out yet, and maybe won't, I at least have a place to start. And, at the end of the day, maybe acceptance of the void is okay too. Maslow's Heirarchy of need always creeps into my thoughts (a lot today). A person is always acting to meet unmet needs. Only the self-actialized are exempt. I'm not sure I know many self-actialized people :-)

    As always, I enjoy your posts. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Your insights are so helpful Jill. I will take a quiet moment to think about the things you suggest. I clearly recall saying to myself the only time I was truly happy was when I was alone with a glass of wine. Changed days now.

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  3. Wow can't really add to what Jill commented. I'm the same Rachel and for me it was a safe therapeutic space with a trained professional to talk it all through and out and then time :) xx

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    1. I know, I always get so upset doing that though and find it EXHAUSTING. I've been through some of it a couple of times but then what? It didn't help but I don't know what solution I expected. X

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  4. hi i linked your book on another blog if that ok, i just downloaded it and love it! i also just mentioned caroline napp book on the post and then logged onto your blog (i'm a newbie) and there you are taking about her. Mad!! My favoutire book of all time. seriously i love your book and look forward to your blog, thanks so much kats

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    1. Hi and welcome. You've made a good decision. Hope you enjoy the book- if so a review for amazon always good!
      Which website were you on? I'll need to check out and follow. Rx

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    2. hi, yes will review on amazon....mummywasasecretdrinker...its great, she had already read it actually..

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  5. This was the book I read when I first became sober in 2011! I've reread it many times in my journey. I was also sad to learn that she had died! Reading it takes me back to those times of struggling with my addiction, but it also is a book of hope because I finally got & stayed sober. Love your blog Rach!

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    1. thanks so much for all your comments Patti, always so encouraging x

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  6. Hi Rachel! I've just ordered that book too (thanks to Kats76) - can't wait to read it.

    I have a more positive (perhaps naiive) view on the addict thing. I think that I am just useless at moderating anything. Anything I love (alcohol, nicotine) I do to excess, but this 'doing to excess' also includes friendship, love, motherhood, writing, reading, cooking - loads of good stuff. We are addicted to LIFE not just alcohol. From what I've read in your book you are a 'grab it all by the horns' kind of person. Please don't look for what's missing - look at all that you HAVE. You're amazing.
    Thanks for following my blog. X SM

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    1. That's a much more positive outlook that a shall remember SM. You are right of course, I am totally all or nothing about everything I do or each new 'thing' I have. I would never say I'm addicted to decluttering I'm trying to think of my most ferocious good habit)
      (Great blog you have too)

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  7. Yes, I’m only on day 34 but I’m already beginning to wonder if I am all set to replace alcohol addiction with some other sort of addictive behaviour. I’m at the stage where I’m really trying to establish new, sober patterns of behaviour. This ostensibly seems a sensible thing to do but I’m already beginning to find that if anyone or anything interferes with these new patterns I get really agitated and upset. I know it’s early days for me but I am beginning to find how to be sober is one thing , how not to live like an addict is quite another. Flossie x

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  8. I loved the Knapp book and found myself sad that she died. What a sad ending. She told an excellent story...I think I will read it again :)

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  9. I have ordered the knap book just awaiting it's arrival. I just read your book too rachel it was great. I'm still drinking but I am analysing this a lot right now and my non drinking days have increased so there is a little improvement. Like you say small steps to start with xx

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Go on, spill.

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