Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Boozy Dreams

Boozy dreams does not refer to the disjointed dreams and disturbed sleep of being drunk. Instead it refers to the way in which alcohol features in my dreams. Personally I'm quite fascinated by this. I always have vivid, weird dreams and usually remember them.

THEN: (the early days of abstinence)

My head was full of 'giving up'. How many days, how was I doing, what was I next worried about, how on earth would I manage in the longer term (never referring to it as the F word)! My dreams reflected my day time thoughts and I regularly dreamed of getting drunk and awful things happening. It wasn't dreaming as in longing for drink, it was getting drunk and thinking 'oh no, I've slipped up' and I would feel that I'd let myself down. I'd be annoyed that my campaign to go AF has failed and confirmed my deepest thoughts: that I could not do it.

I would wake up in the morning, transiently feel gloomy about it until reality kicked in and I realised it was all a dream and that my sober mission remained on track to fight another day.
The strength of my in-dream and out-of-dream feelings showed me how much it meant to me but at the same time what a huge challenge it was. I realised then that I did not want to slip up and did not want to return to drinking; my dreams had played it to the end, reminding me of the ultimate outcome.

NOW: (18 months-plus a little bit! )

My head is no longer full of 'not drinking' thoughts throughout the day, even at the weekends, even on Friday nights. My longing for wine has gone and my feelings of deprivation at social events has disappeared too; I'm pleased I don't drink and happy to remain sober and confident, without bad behaviour. My last 'pang' occurred in a supermarket recently, in the home section funnily enough. I walked past some lovely crystal wine glasses and thought 'they look nice, wouldn't it be nice…' before I closed my mind to those thoughts and moved on.

My dreams are weird. More than once in a dream I have been at a lengthy social occasion. I have remained AF until the last hour when I get a bit bored and suddenly think 'I know, I'll have a glass of wine.' I know I don't drink in my dream but this seems okay. I heed the warnings that I can't and should not try to moderate but I don't feel that far down the slippery slope. I have eyes wide open and want to have A single glass, just really for something to do, that I can do on my own at the bar because I am tired of socialising, but I'm sure I will still be a non drinker. The following day I will revert to my normal AF state without a second thought to my one glass of wine. Suddenly I realise this is what normal people do and I shouldn't be making such a song and dance about everything. In the dream, it remains calm and not catastrophic. I have my glass of wine, it is slightly disappointing and doesn't taste as good as I'd expected, but that's it. No second glass. No genie out of the bottle. No calamity and no chaos. Not like me at all in fact!

 I can see how dangerous I would think this sounds if I read it on another blog but I honestly have no temptation to actually have one drink, ever. I know what will happen and I know I cannot ever drink like a normal person and accept that I will not drink at all.

My dream occurs regularly and I'm intrigued. Is it a warning? Does it reflect a secret desire to be able to do this? How does booze feature in your dreams?

No comments :

Post a Comment

Go on, spill.

Follow @SoberRachel