I'm not about to dive into a wine cellar or anything drastic like that but alcohol is much more prominent on my radar at present and I'm regularly reminding myself that whatever I'm feeling that's not quite right, will not be helped by drinking wine.
Wine will provide a short period of standstill before I must re address those same feelings, the difficulty now compounded by a hangover.
So I'm not going there.
While sitting with the feelings I'm considering where they have come from and as usual there is never one simple answer.
My list includes
1. The back to earth bump of returning to work this week. A full inbox and a couple of annoying hassles.
2. Caroline Knapp's book: the majority of it recounted her love of alcohol and the joy drinking brought her. Much less of the book addressed the tipping point into negativity and beyond in recovery. I found it 'triggering' in that it was so well written I really knew what she meant and wanted to feel that way again. You know, the way it feels good before it feels bad.
3. Dieting. It is going well and I've lost 10 lbs so far in 7 weeks. I'm really pleased and my clothes fit much better but I'm also feeling a loss of comforts. No tea and biscuits, cake or any other form of comfort eating. I've spent a lot of money at the shops and find the high from that just as temporary as from a kitkat. I can't be bothered to exercise.
So I'm doing my usual fail safe tricks: reading sober blogs, interacting on sober sites, supporting others and finding strength for them which reminds me of all the benefits I know already that I should be grateful for and not take for granted. I remind myself that me and my family have no ill health. Thigs could be a lot worse.
And I wait. Treading water for the good times to come back.
Solving one problem in your life does not make the rest of it an eternal rose garden. The bumps still come so best to get comfy for the duration of the ride.
Sorry so gloomy peeps.
Oh yeah, I've felt that way before. Sometimes I think we remember all those fun days and the awful times disappear. That book also does glamorize the fun of alcohol for her too. Just think back about how hard you struggled at the first ,& how good you feel about ovvercomimg soo, so much. You're a very successful & loving person and these blues will dissapate! It's just all part of long term sobriety. Feel it, now that we don't numb it anymore! :)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I've felt that way before. Sometimes I think we remember all those fun days and the awful times disappear. That book also does glamorize the fun of alcohol for her too. Just think back about how hard you struggled at the first ,& how good you feel about ovvercomimg soo, so much. You're a very successful & loving person and these blues will dissapate! It's just all part of long term sobriety. Feel it, now that we don't numb it anymore! :)
ReplyDeleteWell done beating the wine witch, Rachel - and fab news re: diet. I've just finished CK's book too (thanks to you and Kats76 for recommendation). I loved it, but rather wish it'd focussed more on the joy of sober, not just the drinking! You rock. SM x
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it's not just me who felt wine was glamorised in the book. She also glosses over being hungover at work, never eating, gritting her teeth. My hangovers were crippling and I'd stuff my face all day, compounding the problem. I'm trying to remember this now. CK makes a lot of her drinking sound easy, particularly if you are still without dependants, in your twenties, working hard and playing harder.
ReplyDeleteShould maybe come with a sobriety warning.
Hi Rachel, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down. It's not a nice feeling. Especially when you can't pinpoint the thing that is causing it. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI read Caroline Knapp's book too and enjoyed it. But it was the first sober memoir that I read and I was just amazed that there were other women going through the same thing as me, so I just lapped every word up. Maybe I should read it again and see what I think now?
You are doing so well with your weight loss! I desperately need to lose some weight but just can't get motivated. I thought the weight would fall off when I stopped drinking but I have in fact put on weight :( How is that fair?!
Hope you feel better soon.
A x
Hi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI get it about the book.
It's been while since I read it.
I stuffed my face after drinking, too.
Your weight loss is super cool!
Don't apologize about being gloomy. Life is not all up, that's for sure!
xo
Wendy
I found it pretty triggery too - but I read it while I was still drinking!! I read Ann Leary's The Good House which was very similar and really struggled even though I was 18 months sober so I hear you. Could it also be some post holiday blues and the emotional hangover of that? Congrats on 10lbs too :) xx
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel - just reading your blog - I too have problems with alcohol - sick of waking up on a Monday feeling blah and going to work. So have decided to try this - was given a lovely cookbook from my son on the weekend for mother's day in New Zealand and have decided to make one of those lovely jar salads in the cookbook . Usually being hung over as in most days - feel like greasy sausage rolls and anything else greasy. So that is the plan for tomorrow - I thought I would start off with diet first which will hopefully lead to drinking change
ReplyDeleteyep, baby steps is the way to go at first. Good Luck!
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