Worrying or scare-mongering?

What do you think of this article?

Is the booze tide turning?

I have to admit I was surprised to see this headline, that as a population the UK are drinking less, particularly when the largest decrease is in the younger generation. That has to be good news. Some things never change though and the graph showing that alcohol consumption goes up with income is quite profound. I guess we think we deserve a drink if we have work pressures or continually feel 'stressed'. As always, it's those of us who can't stop at one who have to make the biggest changes to stay well. Happy reading.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-39785742

Learning Learning All the Time

With Easter and the long weekend just passed I'm pleased to return to my routine and pick up on my better habits again. It's almost a relief to have decided that today is not a day for grazing and nibbling around the house taking bits of chocolate egg shells, snaffling the odd mini egg (every 5 minutes) and being unable to resist the smell of toasted hot cross buns. Seems I can get too much of a good thing.

This should come as no surprise as it is EXACTLY what I did with wine. And I did it so many times that I recognise the cycle clearly.

1. Decide that you have been good of late and deserve a treat.

2. Be mindful of what happened the last time and recall the horror of your feelings and emotions. Re-assert that you do not want to over-indulge again.

3. Re-state the rules: THIS TIME you will only have one. THIS TIME the one will not represent the start of the slippery slope and THIS TIME you will not compound your error by having a f*** it moment, throwing the baby out with the bath water because THIS TIME you know this is black and white thinking.

4. Tell yourself you are an adult and you can control something as simple as having and enjoying one cake/bun/biscuit without making yourself mentally and physically ill.

5. Have the first one.

6. Have another.

7. Briefly pause before the 3rd to find a 'yes but just now it's different' excuse, reassert you will do it right the next time. Have the 3rd, 4th and 5th.

8. Continue to over indulge in the substance of the moment until an end is reached. Sometimes I think with food it takes longer to reach that point. With alcohol I was limited by so many things: ultimately passing out or puking up. The side effects limited my ability to continue. This is not the way with food. Now the end is reached when I literally cannot move, my stretched swollen stomach aches and I am wailing at myself WHY OH WHY have I done this again?

9. Lie still and depressed in food 'coma', vowing NEVER to do the same again. Thinking back to that FIRST ONE, recognising it was the unravelling of your intentions.

10. 24 - 48 hours later the bloat and despair becomes less intense and desire returns to the front of your mind. Again it has to be managed and restrained until you decide that one REALLY won't hurt, not if you only have one.

11. Repeats steps 1-10 again and again and again

My positive change today has been to avoid unhealthy carbs and focus on feeling full with good quality foods thus:
Poached egg and toast for breakfast
Roast beef and avocado flatbread for lunch (weird combo I know but needing using up)
Tuna salad for dinner (followed by 2 small biscuits)
then spiriting myself away upstairs to blog. So far so good. Day 1 done dare I say?

Round 3

I've just passed my 4 year soberversary and feel I'm back at the very beginning. I've not relapsed with drink I'm pleased to say but the events of my life this year so far have intensified my binge eating to a point that I can longer ignore it as a problem. Nor do I want to. I am now definitely fat and bloated.

I've been controlled by food all my life and now I'm really going to sort it out. While I've been reading around the subject, I recognised lots of familiar themes and felt reassured by their familiarity. I'm talking about choosing what to eat (drink) or not, knowing I can satisfy my craving any time I choose to, delaying and deciding that if I still really want it tomorrow then I can have it then, just not now, at this moment (when it is really tough). I recalled always being able to justify it, always allowing myself to have it now and stop later on, always planning 'new starts' and always failing. Always making the same mistakes.

At first I felt scared of not collapsing into an evening of biscuits, having to sit with that yearning, that want, acknowledging the discomfort but then I read that by doing this, the urge fades. Suddenly I felt optimistic because I already know that.

From my experience giving up booze I know the cravings go and new habits form and life goes on in a much better way, a way which you just cannot imagine at the start. I remember feeling as though I was taking a big leap of faith giving up booze and believing all that others ahead of me said. What if they were wrong? What if I was different? What if it didn't happen to me? 

I couldn't comprehend not wanting to drink wine then and I feel exactly the same now with the chocolates and stodge EXCEPT I believe the want will fade as long as I can hang on tight through these early days. That's where you guys come in!

I did it once before when I stopped smoking (16 years ago) although could not have articulated it this way back then, I did it again 4 years ago when I gave up booze and I know I'll be able to do it a third time and give up junk. And yes, I do believe in the theory of serial and substitute addictions. I know I have it, because smoking and cakes were never a problem when I was drinking, and while drink is no longer a problem, cake has become so.

I'm not talking about serious starvation here. I'm talking about eating my 3 pretty healthy meals a day as usual and then stopping. No afters, no snacky bites, no ice cream cos its sunny or chocolate because its raining. No cake cos someones leaving work/having a birthday/ raising money for charity. In isolation these things are fine- but just like the booze- once started I cannot stop.

So I'll bore you all here with my tales of cake and biscuit resistance- if you don't mind of course?

Non-enforced sobriety

This is an interesting account of someone who did not plan to become alcohol free forever, yet found the benefits of "Dry January" so great that she chose to. A different slant on the way we choose to live. Read it here

Guess I fell into this group too

Middle aged women drinking 3 times more alcohol than they should!


http://dailym.ai/2gHpTVw

Still here, wherever that is

My poor little neglected blog has been noticed by others in the time I've been largely ignoring it. (no reason other than a change of computer access at certain times of day which has upset my blogging routine).

BUT

Sober is the New Black has been listed as one of the Top 20 Sober Blogs by Port of Call, a private company helping those in recovery. Kudos! And look at the snazzy little badge I get for the site!
As always, a little positive feedback makes me feel all smiley inside. Happy Sober weekend everyone!

Amazing Feedback

Almost reduced to tears of emotion/ happiness/ loving the world in a psychedelic moment when I received this message from someone who read MY book and subsequently changed their life around. Powerful stuff and grateful to play a part:

Proud to say I am nearly 20 months sober and living a life beyond any dreams I ever had. I credit you because I wasn't someone who could do AA and I never even knew there were online sober support groups until reading Sober is the New Black. With that one book you changed not only my life but the lives of those I love. I was sober for my first grandchild's birth and every special milestone in his little life. I am here and I am being real for the first time since about age 12. Making all sorts of mistakes and often overwhelmed and never sure of anything except: I will never ever touch that stupid poison again. Thank YOU.

Amazing Feedback

Almost reduced to tears of emotion/ happiness/ loving the world in a psychedelic moment when I received this message from someone who read MY book and subsequently changed their life around. Powerful stuff and grateful to play a part:

Proud to say I am nearly 20 months sober and living a life beyond any dreams I ever had. I credit you because I wasn't someone who could do AA and I never even knew there were online sober support groups until reading Sober is the New Black. With that one book you changed not only my life but the lives of those I love. I was sober for my first grandchild's birth and every special milestone in his little life. I am here and I am being real for the first time since about age 12. Making all sorts of mistakes and often overwhelmed and never sure of anything except: I will never ever touch that stupid poison again. Thank YOU.

The Lone Drinker

On holiday at present and this evening we were taken out to an Italian Restaurant by another couple. I don't drink, neither does the other woman, my OH was driving and there were 2 kids. There was only one person drinking. 
First 2 beers while we chatted, then wine with dinner. But not in a civilised way. It was a buffet restaurant with serve yourself drinks too. A coke machine, water, fruit juice dispenser and a wine tap. The other man in the group poured and drank 3 full very large wine glasses full of wine, pretty swiftly after remarking that the first sip wasn't that nice. More than a bottle in less than an hour.
I watched his face become first red, then blotchy as he relaxed. He became more animated and talkative. Not that the stories weren't interesting, and not that they were repeats or anything, but no-one else got a word in once his tipping point was reached. No one else told a story, no others conversed, I couldn't politely excuse myself to the loo, we couldn't leave when we were finished without appearing rude and interrupting another tale.
It made me bored. I felt embarrassed for the children whose boredom I could sense. And most of all I felt sad. Because that man is my father.
Always knew it was like that with him, but don't often see it. Don't really want to see it again. Might now limit seeing him to when he comes to ours (and he drives) or at outings which don't involve booze. Tonight was their invitation on their terms. From now on it'll be my way. I feel harsh and hypocritical as I was once exactly the same, but now Im not, and quite frankly its ugly and I don't want to see it.

10 Signs which mean you really DO need to stop. Completely.

I guess we have all made some attempt(s) to give up alcohol in the past. Whether it's a day or two off, a severe hangover leading to great announcements that we will never drink again to several weeks or more, something always sends us back to the bottle.

The truth is, you will only stop drinking when you, really want to stop. And want to stop so badly you can make the leap of faith and believe that it is possible there is life beyond booze.

Here are some of the signs I, and perhaps you, will recognise as signifying the time to stop has finally arrived.

1. You open the wine with dismay thinking 'Here we go again'. 
2. You notice the repeating pattern of: Plan to restrict, get drunk, regret it, plan to restrict... yet you cannot stop it recurring.
3. You no longer have enough time to spend a whole day incapacitated by a hangover.
4. Your hangovers last two days (or more...)
5. You avoid socialising so you can drink more at home, alone.
6. You hate the feeling of helplessness you have as alcohol dictates your life.
7.  You have no idea how to stop. (This was me. Sometime told me to 'Just stop.' Sounds simple eh?)
8. You think stopping drinking would be preferable to your life at present. In fact, anything would be better than your life at present.
9. Those around you stop giving you a hard time about your drinking and allow you to drink. They know you need a certain amount to function and do not wish to stand in the way of that.
10. You begin to ask others how they stopped drinking, you read sober blogs, you buy sober books and you question your belief that you could not cope without it. You begin to wonder if maybe you could? Surely not all sober people are making it up or telling lies about how it is actually ok, or even better than ok?

Personally I was completely sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Best wishes if you are starting to stop.

Welcome back if you have not given up on giving up.

Interesting viewing

and another medium to bolster your motivation

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/01/alcoholics-alcoholism-drinking-documentary

Interesting read

Hi guys,
I've been surfing to find interesting angles to sobriety just to make a change and came across this moving post by a wife following the death of her alcoholic husband.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/28/letter-alcoholic-husband-alcohol-acoholics-anonymous?utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=GU+Today+main+NEW+H+categories&utm_term=174525&subid=11046242&CMP=EMCNEWEML6619I2

Do not miss this...

Whether to identify your own rock bottom or reassure yourself that 'you're not that bad', please don't miss the chance to watch this honest documentary and then ask yourself if you still think having a drink is glamorous and sophisticated.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b07952b1/louis-theroux-drinking-to-oblivion?mc_cid=86dcd13021&mc_eid=1af836beaa

Approaching 3 year anniversary

I'm still here. Thank you for all your lovely comments and emails- I've not replied to every one of them yet but I will get there! I've also deleted all the spammers who have been 'commenting' on posts.

At the end of the month I'm 3 years sober and finding it still a mixed bag: albeit 99% good, there is still, still, a feeling of loss at times. It is brought into focus by certain things and last weekend it was watching the documentary about the life and demise of Amy Winehouse, UK jazz singer, through alcohol and drugs. She died in 2011 from an acute overdose of alcohol.

In 2008, when clean sober and dry, she won a Grammy for best single with Rehab and her reaction was remarkable
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSX8DxYUJk

However, after the cameras moved onto the next item, her documentary cameras continued to roll as she beckoned to her best friend to join her on stage, before both quickly disappeared back stage.

What did she say to her best friend at this defining moment in her life?

'This is all so shit without drugs'

I can relate to this. Periodically I feel the ennui of a stable boring life and long, usually just for a moment, to get absolutely drunk, talk rubbish, feel excited, dance, go wild and wonder where the evening will take me. Even the thought of the hangover the next day is not sufficient to dampen the want completely.

So, doing well, but not cured, not by any means.

Approaching Mid-Point of Dry January

In case I was perceived as a little negative about dry January in my last post, here is a bit of motivation for those struggling as the half way point approaches.

This link is to an article I wrote for the Guardian a year ago. It is still as relevant this year and will be for ever more I suspect. That sobriety is more about the journey than the destination gives more than a nod to the fact that your achievement is now. Today. Today you are sober and free from alcohol. Live in that moment and enjoy the benefit. Avoid focussing on the end of the month before ticking your achievement box.

Sobriety is a journey, not a destination.

Read the full article here

Dry January: Are you doing it? Am I?

'Are you doing Dry January?' I've been asked several times. Am I? Does it count if you're 'dry' all the time? I don't know.
What I do know is that I feel as if all the Dry January people are suddenly flooding into what I consider 'my world'. After 2 days, the benefits of becoming alcohol free became apparent and one of my friends gushed for quarter of an hour to me about the benefits she'd noticed already:

'I've so much energy! I'm sleeping so well! I feel so positive and alive!'

Yes, I know and I'm pretty sure I alluded to the same feelings 3 years ago (almost) when I stopped drinking (but then you thought I was mad and that you could never go without your glass of wine!)

I don't resent it- let them all enjoy being free from the poison, but still, I can't help thinking
1. I told you so, and
2. What's changed?

Because many of those doing Dry January are the same ones who have poo hoo-ed the idea of going sober for months. They've teased me, thought me boring, no fun, and in need of lightening up a bit and having just one. Go on.
Suddenly it's become cool to say you're going sober. They seek (and get) admiration and positive attention: donations to their cause, enquiries after their well being and social life and most of all- support- from those around them. No-one thinks they're alcoholic, they don't feel embarrassed to say they're stopping, and there is no shame- in fact the opposite is true- a brave 'I've over indulged so much I'm going to balance it out by being sober for a whole month!' type of accolade.

Am I over-reacting? Being over-sensitive and taking it all too personally? Perhaps. Despite this I will wait and watch with intrigue when the end of the month rolls around and see how those attitudes change.

Happy New Year.

The Real Reason it's Hard Being Sober at New Year

It suddenly dawned on me this afternoon, the true reason why it is so hard being sober at New Year and why, from out of the blue, my desire to get absolutely shit faced suddenly reappears. 

It's nothing to do with socialising.

Nothing to do with parties.

Nothing to do with celebrations or being left out of them.

No, it s because today is the 8th day of the holidays. The school holidays and the holiday period. The 8th day I have been looking after the kids all day and increasingly late into the evening as bed time stretches further and further into the distance. And it's not just the kids. My OH is also off work and it's the only time in the year when we are in each others company day in, day out and he's driving me nuts with his ways. Even at the weekends we usually spend all day Saturday running the kids around and on Sundays we have his golf morning and my protected Sunday afternoon precisely because we recognise that we each need time alone to just -be alone - doing whatever we choose. 

But that goes out the window at Christmas. Usual activities are cancelled. Shops are closed or too busy to contemplate and the weather is so ferocious going out anywhere is not an option.

So the reason tonight that I want to drown myself in a bottle of wine is purely because my nearest and dearest are collectively p****** me off and I need a way to remove my conscious being from this situation! 

After 8 days it's time they all went back to doing what they usually do- school and work- and got out of my hair / face/ way/ house etc.

But instead I'll finish off the Christmas cake tonight and suffer the last big family meal tomorrow knowing that this too shall pass- as it has done the last 3 years since I stopped drinking alcohol.

So give yourself a break tonight - this is a hard time of year for many many reasons. Roll on 2016 (but roll on Monday 4th January (or Tuesday 5th if you live in Scotland) even more. If my family survive that long it will truly be something worth celebrating.

How to Party Sober

If you're struggling to do this or dreading the thought of going to a party this year, learn some coping strategies here or alternatively buy my little ebook for a couple of $$ here

How to Party Sober 

http://www.recoveryplace.com/blog/how-to-have-sober-fun-at-a-party/

Christmas Parties: Earlier and Better

I've been to two Christmas events this year, both catch ups with 4 or 5 girlfriends for drinks and a meal in a bar/restaurant type place.
Unusually, the table has been booked for 4pm both times, instead of the traditional 7 for 7.30pm. I asked one of my friends about this last night- why the change?

The reason is due to Scotland's strict drink driving laws. These laws have been in place for one year now and limit the blood alcohol level allowed for driving to a level much lower than before, such that it is highly possible to remain over the safe limit the morning after - a problem for the drive to work.

So the move this year is to start early, finish early and have a longer period alcohol free before the next morning. Eminently sensible and for once, also a huge bonus for the non drinker.

No more waiting, starving, at 8pm for the drunk gigglers to focus on the menu long enough to choose what they're want to soak up the alcohol. No more waiting until 11.30pm for the dessert to be served and it becomes reasonable to leave- exhausted.

Last night was fab and suited me just fine.

I drove us all to the venue for 4 pm. We were eating by 5. Had dessert by 7. I stayed until 9.30-10 while they had a few more drinks as I was enjoying the chat and I left when talk of 'moving on into town' began.

I feel as if I've had the best of both worlds: a great night out catching up on gossip and having a laugh, enjoying food including dessert, staying as long as I wish, leaving when I choose AND, the icing on the cake, not having to stay out half the night to do so. I was home by 10pm.

Sobriety: allows a good night out AND an early night in simultaneously. What's not to like?